“Management Of The Absurd” Deep Dive: Is There a Technique to Human Relations?

No, there isn’t. Well… Not in the long run at least.

Let’s take a closer look.

Once you find a management technique that works, give it up

In the world of constant ambiguity and change it is tempting to look for definitive answers or set of actions that will bring immediate results.

“5 easy steps to achieve mindfulness”, “10 verified ways to increase productivity”, “5 inspirational quotes that will change your life”.

We see these headlines over and over to the point that they succeed to convince us that everything is a skill and thus can be taught, and thus can be learned. All we have to do is to find the right technique that will give us the much needed answer to the ultimate question of life, the Universe, and People Management.

“Managers who are taught to listen nonjudgmentally or to reward certain behaviors in others may initially feel that they have found the answer. […] But the feeling seldom lasts. Over time, they usually discover that their newfound techniques are actually working to prevent closer human relationships – just the opposite of their intended affect”.

At some point (and usually pretty quickly), it becomes obvious to those around you that you are using a technique. If this technique contradicts your usual behavior or deep-seated feelings that you are trying to hide, it makes you look even more fake and immature.

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Early in my career, I worked with a manager who always told everyone on her team that she was supportive of their growth and took their careers close to heart.

It worked at first but then the claim became too repetitive to sound genuine.

Finally, when one of her direct reports received a job offer from another department, which was clearly advantageous to his career and professional aspirations, the manager pulled all her strings to prevent him from moving.

At that point, it became very clear that all her concern with her team’s growth was just an act – a technique that she used to motivate her direct reports or gain their trust.

Needless to say, her claims were never taken seriously again and the direct report in question left the company the next month.

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One obvious piece of advice here is “walk the talk,” i.e. mean what you say and do it.

But Farson goes further than that by completely rejecting the idea that techniques can ever work in the long run. And the reason for it is an “erosion of respect.”

“Assume that I have knowledge about certain techniques but my employees lack that knowledge. My compassion for them will almost certainly erode if I succeed in using that knowledge to change their behavior in some way. For they will have been fooled and I cannot help but lose some respect for them as a result.”

No surprise that a genuine authentic response trumps the instruction from the most popular human relations manual.

“Eventually, you will come to feel about me the way I feel about you.”

In other words, people are not stupid and will discover who you are.

Avoid the trouble – be yourself!

Praising people does not motivate them

Speaking of techniques – praising your direct reports is a common piece of management advice.

Management of the Absurd challenges you to look at praise from an uncomfortable angle – the one of judgement and evaluation.

Here are a few thoughts from the book:

1. Praise can be perceived as a threat.

Essentially, praise is a positive evaluation (of our efforts, skills, tastes, etc.). And when it comes to evaluation and judgement, even the most positive one may make us feel uncomfortable. Not to mention that by praising we often try to motivate people, make them move into a certain direction or change – and this can be met with additional resistance.

2. Praise may be a way of gaining status.

Depending on how you phrase it, your words might establish the fact that you are in a position to judge and evaluate. Here Farson gives an example of Picasso being praised by an ordinary person: “You’re a very good painter” vs. “I love your painting”.

“In order to be acceptable, the praise must be given in a way that respects the status difference”.

For the same reason, perhaps, praise may put more distance between people rather than connect them.

3. Praise can come to be associated mainly with criticism (aka “sandwich technique”).

I strongly relate to this part because I’ve always had mixed feelings about the “sandwich technique”. Some of the times it worked and other times it made me feel like a person providing it had to come up with something positive to sugarcoat criticism.

Besides, knowing that the “bad” part was about to come often poisoned the “good” part which otherwise could have been used as a positive lesson learned.

These days I try to avoid the “sandwich technique” as much as I can by either flipping it and going with the “bad” part first or by transforming it into “here are some obstacles that are in the way of your strengths and/or goals”.

Overall, Farson does not claim that praise is bad and you should never give it to your direct reports or people around you. As with everything in his book, he wants you to be aware of how your words can be perceived and act accordingly.

Every act is a political act

When you think about politics, especially, the corporate kind – what do you think about?

Unlike Senior Leaders, who are very aware that politics is an essential part of their lives, lower and middle management often tend to think that politics is something that you get involved into if you want to make a career or something that you have to suffer through when trying to get things done.

Farson is offering a different perspective:

“Every management act in some way redistributes or reinforces power”.

Think of it this way: the visibility you have as a manager gives additional weight to your actions.

The way you address your team, the way you address the women on your team, the way you address the women of color on your team – whether you treat everyone the same or different and if different – in what way – everything becomes a statement.

And that statement affects directly or indirectly, consciously or unconsciously, subtly or non-subtly not only those immediately around you but also yourself, your own image, the image of your team and your company.

Management of the Absurd was published in 1996 so we might think that 30 years later we would be more mindful about the impact of our actions and decisions.

Yet it only takes 10 minutes to scroll down our LinkedIn feed to stumble upon another story from a candidate rejected for a role on a discriminatory ground or a terminally ill employee laid off for a “business reason”.

These actions will cost hundreds of thousands of dollars in litigation and reputation damages. But what should hurt the leaders of those companies even more is the realization that those decisions could have been easily avoided, were the managers in charge (clearly deprived of kindness) at least politically savvy.

I strongly believe that becoming aware of their “political power” will enable managers at all levels to use it for the greater good. In the end of the day, our world is broken in so many ways, it is nice to discover yet another way we can do our part in fixing it.

Bonus:  Why being a good listener is threatening to us

Chapter 11 is called “Listening Is More Difficult Than Talking” and I didn’t consider this title to be appealing enough to gauge your attention. After all, everyone knows it.

But there is a thought that strikes deeper and right to the heart of it. It is also a very good segue into the next week’s article. So, I thought I’d share it:

“Listening can also be a disturbing experience. All of us have strong needs to see the world in certain ways, and when we really listen, so that we understand the other person’s perspective, we risk being changed ourselves. Similarly, listening to others means having to be alert to one’s own defensiveness, to one’s impulse to want to change others. That requires a level of self-awareness, even self-criticism, that is often not easy to endure”.

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In the next article we will look further into dilemmas of change and why everything we try works but nothing does.